Aggressively Click Me

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

The Metaphorical Black Guy

Got It!!

Diary Entry 23
26.09.15 (I'm going to do that annoying thing where I go back from this date and then spontaneously revert forward to an earlier one.)

There are 4 ways in which one can tell that a situation requires them to run away. Like the metaphorical black guy in a horror movie, faced with a fight or flight situation, it becomes increasingly apparent that one must fucking bolt. Said metaphorical black guy should rapidly disperse from the crowd of drunken teens and seek refuge. Possibly somewhere the guy brandishing a ten inch meat cleaver isn't. One must simply A.E.A.R: Acknowledge- Evaluate-(and) Run. Unlike the black guys friend who is so highly intoxicated he can no longer make the distinction between a lamppost and a human. He becomes completely oblivious to his surroundings and most likely stumbles right into the path of the psycho meat cleaver guy. Thus resulting in his abrupt and gory death. Don't be that guy.

Avoiding such events comes with ease (once again, unless you're the black guy's friend. In which case you are utterly screwed.) you just need to know when to run.

1) The first way in which one can tell that a situation requires them to run is the eikosi theory (the rule of 20). Picture it: Saturday night. Social gathering. Thirty or so friends, cousins, aunties, drunk uncles and crying nephews. Shitty pop song in the background disguised by the loud chattering and the constant glitches in the CD. Somewhere in the middle lies you and your three friends. All stood, attempting to hold a conversation over the screams of your baby brother and repetitive hushing of your mother as she tries to coo him into a peaceful sleep. The conversation's rolling but you seem to be the only catalyst and you're running dry of science puns and childhood stories. You've even gone to the extent of talking about school in hopes to provoke a reaction out of them and finally the conversation seems to be running smoothly. It goes on like that for the next ten minutes until it dies down to nothing but a single forced awkward laugh. Here is where you apply the rule of 20. If no one speaks for 20 seconds, it is time to run. For this situation is only about to get worse. Soon it becomes a mess of awkward glares, then shuffling feet and then painfully awkward goodbyes and hugs. You don't want to be there when the Apocalypse begins.

2) The moment you fuck up the conversation with the really hot guy sat in front of you. By some weird turn of events the hot guy in front of you decides to engage in casual small talk with you and you happily reciprocate (but really low key so it doesn't seem like you're that interested in him). You begin conversing and it's all going well until you process that you're actually talking to this guy. Then the blood starts pumping in your veins, your palms turn clammy, you begin sweating and you're almost certain you're dying. Right here is where you should run. But it's not is it? Because her is where you fuck shit up and say something utterly stupid, resulting in various confused stares from said hot guy.

3) The moment you realise you have nothing in common with anyone stood around you. Don't stall. Don't hesitate. Don't try to ease your way out. Just run.

4) Everyone begins staring at you.
At any point in time, if you begin feeling as if you are being stared at, just run. Forget your nephew; he can make it on his own now. Forget the cashier; you never had a shot with him anyway.Forget the groceries; you can make it a week with the left over pop tarts. Just RUN!!!
Staring either means:
A) They're about to kidnap you
B) They're going to jack you
C)You've just done something really embarrassing and you just haven't been able to realise it yet.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not gonna lie this was some the of the funniest shit I've read this year.
    You Miss, are a very entertaining writer :)